you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
