i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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