Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
