Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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