she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
