Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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