I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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