My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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