if you like me you must not know who I am
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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