chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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