Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
