I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
