i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
