she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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