I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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