The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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