Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
