My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
