Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
