Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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