She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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