i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
