we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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