no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
