yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
