the condom got lost in my hair
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
