i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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