I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize