My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
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