So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
