She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize