she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
