meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
