I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
