I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
