apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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