Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
