I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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