I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
