they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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