can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
