the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
