Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
