hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
