Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
