brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
