What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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