Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
