I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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