somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
