i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
