Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
