Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize