My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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