i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Mom said you looked used
You dont lie about slip and slides
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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