She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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