so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
