She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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