OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
