Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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