that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just tell him i said nine months
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
