i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
