I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
