Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
