we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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