If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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