I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
